Tuesday, March 12, 2013

A Hole

The Glee kids are singing and I'm enjoying a "home alone" dinner of pretzels and Diet Sprite when my tongue feels something foreign. Or rather, the lack of something.

A hole. In my mouth. 

I jump from the couch and continue probing the empty space as if it would feel different standing. As if being upright would suddenly allow my brain to say "why no, Sam, of course there's no hole. You just continue watching Glee's 500th song and eating those pretzels."

Of course, my disloyal brain says nothing of the sort.

Because there's a hole. In my mouth.

A HOLE.

I literally pinch myself to make sure I'm awake. To be positive this isn't a weird Freudian dream or something.

And it hurts, so I'm obviously awake and anyway if I was dreaming, I would probably be eating something far more awesome than pretzels.

And the Glee kids are still singing, but I can't focus on the song because THERE'S A HOLE IN MY MOUTH.

I obviously have a disease. Some horrible exotic malady. And my tongue drifts warily over the rest of my mouth to see if any other holes have spontaneously appeared. No more. For now.

I fall on my computer and google "broken teeth" and click on WedMD and wait for the names of mysterious illness to appear. 

The normally scaremongering website says it's not serious unless I feel pain, in which case I should see a dentist immediately before the nerve dies.

And oh my god, now it hurts with the pain of a thousand lashes.

I leave an appropriately panicked message on my dentist's emergency voicemail, and wait for the call back which will obviously be soon because THERE'S A HOLE IN MY MOUTH.

But my phone stays silent.

I don't brush my teeth before bed because all my teeth are probably falling out anyway due to wasting disease so who cares if they're brushed or not.

I sleep in snatches. Each time I wake up I check and see if the empty space is still there, and of course it is because mouth holes don't just go away.

At 7am my dentist calls and tells me to come in. He sounds remarkably calm considering THERE'S A HOLE IN MY MOUTH.

An hour later I sit in his chair and he snaps on those hateful gloves. He fills my mouth with tools without saying a word and his silence is deafening.

I know he is trying to figure out how to break the news to me that I'll live a sad, toothless life. And now I'm starting to squirm and sweat and wonder if I'll spend the rest of my life removing my teeth at night to soak in a glass.

"Ok," he says, removing his gloves, and I brace myself for what comes next.

"Easy fix. Stop with the hard pretzels though. They're hell on the teeth."

My tongue drifts to the side of my mouth, and the hole is gone.


32 comments:

  1. So, was it just a piece of pretzel??

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    1. No, I bit down on a pretzel wrong, and it broke half of my tooth off. Apparently it broke well, and the fix was pretty easy.

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    2. Oh holy cow! Good thing it was an easy fix. Who knew we would need cautionary tales about pretzels?

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    3. I know! I think I'll probably skip the hard pretzels for awhile now.

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  2. I can so relate to this - I've chipped two teeth in the past year. TWO!! Makes me feel like I'm old since I can't keep my teeth intact anymore. The dentist fixed them right up but yikes. The holes do feel GIGANTIC to the tongue!

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    1. Ugh that is so annoying. This is the first time I've ever had any kind of dental problem, so it was a little bit of a surprise.

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  3. Oy! I would have been flipping out too. I love that you were watching Glee. That's the only show (other than the Daily Show) that I watch anymore.

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    1. Love Glee! I pretty much watch all the shows at this point, Daily Show included :)

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  4. So glad that it was an easy fix.

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  5. Oh. Yeah. I would have assumed I had something like leprosy, with bits and pieces of me just falling off. I'm so glad it didn't hurt, though!

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  6. I often write about broken teeth. It seems to be a thing with me. Things that we assume will be there forever, we learn, are terrible temporary, too. I love the way this narrative unrolls. And I'm glad that the hole is filled. Sometimes things are not so easily fixed, you know?

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  7. Haha. (Only funny, because you are OK.) I kept waiting for you to break out into song, "There's a hole in my mouth, dear Samantha, dear Samantha, there is a hole in my mouth, dear Samantha, a hole!" (please tell me you know to what I am referring.)

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    1. Hahahaha "there's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza."

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  8. I did the same thing on a nacho. It was just a few weeks after I turned 40. Glad you got to keep your nerve. :) Woohoo!

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  9. Whew! I'm glad it was an easy fix and you won't have to Fix-dent forever!

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  10. Hate dental work! It's good it was easily fixed, but ugh.

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  11. just thinking about going to the dentist is enough to lead me to distraction! ugh! plus - A HOLE IN YOU MOUTH is nothing to poo poo. glad it turned out okay. stick to ice cream, like me. :)

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  12. I once cracked a tooth on a popcorn kernel. I still have the tooth - but my parents spent a crap load of money to keep it in my mouth. I never eat popcorn by the handful - it's always kernel by kernel - and probably the only food I eat with any decorum.

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  13. Awwww. Shucks. I love hard pretzels. This was so full of entertaining details. Glee. Diet sprite. Lashes. Death. Loved it!!!

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  14. What a funny story! Loved the build-up and the ride on your mental roller-coaster!

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  15. This was a well-told story, even though it thoroughly grossed me out because I hate teeth. I broke a tooth years ago and the same one has broke 2 more times since. I have nightmares about it breaking all the time and check it with my tongue often. I could totally relate to the checking to see if it was still broken! Hope you weren't in too much pain for too long.

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  16. Thank goodness that's all it was! One of my husband's teeth started falling out in pieces, and I was really freaked out about it. It turned out that he had never had his wisdom teeth removed, and that's all it was - a tooth that needed to come out anyway!

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  17. Yes! This happened to me! The dentist said I had "aging teeth." Which didn't make me feel any better about THE HOLE IN MY MOUTH.

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  18. Holy smokes! Pretzels can break your teeth? I feel like those things should come with a warning label. I never thought I'd say thank goodness for dentists and the quick fix.

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  19. Oh, jeez! I hope that your fix wasn't too expensive... Ouch!

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  20. This made me get all clench-y with fear. I didn't realize how tense I was til it was done. EEEEEK! So glad they could fix it. Loved your voice in this piece. Well done! (And again, glad you have a tooth again.)

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  21. As the survivor of nine (9!!!!) root canals, I experienced a slight bout of PTSD on reading this post, but so happy --and slightly envious- that yours was an easy fix.

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  22. OK, I would have been right there with you freaking out. I have had a bunch of root canals and oral surgeries, and I constantly have nightmares about my teeth falling out.

    Who knew pretzels were so dangerous? Yikes! Glad it was an easy fix.

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  23. I love the way you tell the story and keep going back to the hole. Great pacing! At least you were able to get it fixed quickly and easily. It is no fun going around with holes in your mouth. Unfortunately, I have experience with that.

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  24. My front tooth fell out (long story) at a Bears game over the seat of the kid in front of me. I scared his when I jumped over his seat and pushed him and his nachos out to I could sift through the peanut shells. This was so entertaining and had all the pieces of a great story mixed in! Glee, hard pretzels, etc!!!

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  25. What a relief! Dentures are certainly nobody's dream. Glad it was fixed up easily and all is well. :)

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  26. The hole, the hole! Love that repetition, because when it comes down to the moment, that one *thing*, whatever it is, becomes your world. Stupid pretzels. :)

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