I hadn't, which most likely means no wedding invitation will be coming my way.
We met on our first night of college. We shared a freshman hall and bonded over a mutual love of TV and our legacy status, both of our dads having been members of the class of 1976.
We studied and lived together. We shared meals in the dining hall and adventures in Boston together. I spent holidays at her nearby house when I couldn't make it home for one reason or another.
After graduation we moved to Manhattan together - one-half of a foursome of friends - and for that first year we blazed a trail between our respective apartments, queens of our Upper West Side neighborhood.
We settled down, I into law school and she into her dream job, but our friendship never wavered.
And when I went on the blind date that changed everything, she was the first friend I told.
The shift happened so slowly, I barely noticed it at first.
Our conversations got shorter and less frequent. I learned details about her life from another friend and was surprised she didn't tell me herself. Our once weekly Shabbat meals started to disappear, and our Saturday afternoon trips to Central Park stopped almost completely.
For a little while I quietly took the blame. David and I got very serious very fast, and I thought maybe I was replacing her with him. When I broached the subject he pointed out, rather astutely, that none of my other close friendships were suffering the same fate.
But I let it ride, trying not to worry that once a week hang outs had become once a month catch up sessions.
And a year later when I got engaged I asked her to be a bridesmaid, perhaps nostalgic about our best years. Wanting my foursome back together on my most important day. And I took in stride her absence at my engagement party and her lack of enthusiasm in my bridal shower. But when I took a minute to think, I understood.
She wasn't happy for me. Not the way a friend is supposed to be.
And for the first time, I got mad.
We went through the motions of the next months, and at my wedding I tried to put the anger aside and dance with the girl I used to know before everything changed.
But after the wedding we continued to drift, and almost three years later there is nothing left of those once forever friends except for an e-mail here and there. On birthdays. When I bought a house. When she got engaged.
I didn't get an invitation to her engagement party which most likely means no wedding invitation will be coming my way.
But I'm not mad anymore. Not really.
Now, I'm just sad.
Yes, you still have stories and this is a GREAT one. I bet you every woman alive can relate to this on some level. I have a friendship like that (ok, more than 1) that wavered and then crashed. I am glad yours was a slow burn and I am glad you are not taking the blame. You deserve to be happy and to have friends that want that for you!
ReplyDeleteI have friends like that- its sad how it happens. People just grow apart, sometimes for no good reason at all. Sorry you are missing your friend :(
ReplyDeleteThat's how some of my friends are. One in particular. Every time I think about her I get sad and down about what happened. And then I have those days (almost two years later) where something happens and I think "oh she would love this!" or "I really need to talk to her about this. She would know what to say." But, because we drifted so far apart, we don't talk at all.
ReplyDeleteSo I understand what your going through! You explained it much better than I ever could!
Sad story, but that probably happens more often than we think. Nice tribute to a friendship-once-had!
ReplyDeleteI completely relate to this. I know it is supposed to be natural for friendships to ebb and flow and sometimes finally fizzle, but it is sad. And that sadness often starts with "madness" for me, too.
ReplyDeleteOh how sad. I'm sad, too. I want you to write to her, a big heartfelt friendship love letter. And I want that to magically heal all the wounds. (I have no idea whether it would or not - this desire speaks more about me than you.)
ReplyDeleteUgh, this one hit right where it hurts. I hear you so so so so well. And really, you're right. It's nobody's fault and there's less you can do about it. People always quote "priority versus option" relationships in relation to significant others, but I think they're more apt for friendships.
ReplyDeleteargh yes. I had a relationship like this. and thinking back on it all makes me so sad. we were friends for SO long. but when it mattered most, she wasn't there. and I wasn't there. it's so unfortunate how some things in life pan out.
ReplyDeletei've got a friend exactly like that, only i was hurt for a long time from our 'breakup'. it's sad when things like that happen, but there are reasons why some friendships stay and others just fade away... great essay
ReplyDeleteThis post made me sad, and nostalgic for a similar relationship with a friend who is no longer in my life. This is a well- written piece. I enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteFriendships are so complicated. I love the saying about how some friends are friends for life and some for just a season of life. Hard to accept, but true, I think.
ReplyDeleteI think the fact that friendships grow apart and change has been one of the hardest things in life for me to accept. I admit that Facebook has made it better, thought it took a long time to be OK with just checking in on old dear friends and knowing that they are well, getting to tell them every now and again how special they still are to me. But it took YEARS of hurt with some of them to be at that point. I hope you can get there with your friend. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThis broke my heart for you because it took so long and you had to figure it out yourself. No talking it through. No chances. True friends should be happy during your happy moments (they can be envious too but happiness is the overriding emotion). It makes you appreciate who you DO have in your life. And when you get to my age, it has happened many times over and it's still hard to let go. But you understand it better. This was so heartfelt!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm jealous because you found words and an awesome story ;-)
Oh dear. I can relate to that very very much. I had a friend, actually pretty much the best friend forever kind throughout school. Then because of college I had to move and the exact fate of the friendship played out. We grew apart. I received news from her front from other friends. And I understood that it was the end of it when she missed my birthday and I saw her doing stuff around Facebook on the very same day.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry it ended the way it did for you but I guess the best of friend hold the worst of grudges against each other.
Great essay - I completely relate and I'm happy to hear you're not taking the blame anymore. I had a similar college friendship that went bust, and now I see how easy it is for people to grow apart. I do believe only some friendships are meant to last. hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteThat is sad. Watching something that was once precious die is always heartbreaking. ((( Hugs )))
ReplyDeleteOh, man... I hate it when friendships wither like that. Many hugs...
ReplyDeleteOh, honey, that really stinks. Sadly, I think that most of us have relationships like this. I know I do/did. Perhaps you will reconnect in upcoming years. And, if not, just remember that people come into our lives for different reasons - some for a moment, some for a season, some for a lifetime.
ReplyDeleteI'm always sad when a friendship ends even when it was no longer meant to be.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Christie when she said that everyone could probably relate to this on some level. But man did you tell it better than I ever could.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you drifted apart.
It's always sad when old friendships pass. Some of my friends still talk to friends from high school, and I'm jealous of them. Heck, many of my college friends have now faded from attention. Even sadder, I'm starting to lose touch with some friends gained post-college...
ReplyDeleteI definitely had some of those when I got together with my hubby. I didn't get it then and still don't. Definitely felt mad and sad. Eventually, I figured that the fact that they weren't on board with the choices I made and with my amazing husband, then it was probably better not to have them as friends. But it still does make me sad, thinking back.
ReplyDeleteThe endings to those kinds of friendships are so sad. There isn't a place you can look to to see what happened, or an argument you can apologize for - a slow drift can't be pinpointed, which is frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI, like you, would be the one to invite her just because of our history together. Sad that some people don't find your past friendship valuable enough to extend an opportunity to rekindle the friendship.
ReplyDeleteSucks, doesn't it? I understand completely, I'm sorry to say. Enjoyed reading this in spite of the painful truth.
ReplyDeleteOh, how I get this. In fact, I just found out my seventh-grade BFF was engaged...on Facebook. I was hurt at first that she hadn't told me personally, but I think people come into and out of our lives for reasons. As you grew and evolved, your friend may have stopped fitting you. And it's awfully hard to get over the "she's just not happy for me" thing.
ReplyDelete