Friday, October 12, 2012

Happy Birthday M!

Brandeis University - 2005


College. New York.

Good Decisions. Not-So-Good Decisions.

Law School. Grad School. 

First Jobs. New Jobs.

First Apartments. New Apartments.

First Loves. Last Loves.

New City For You. New City For Me.

Daily E-Mails. Weekly Manicures.

Eleven Years. Forever Friends.

Thank god we get to do it all together.

Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Two Years


Two years ago today I woke up in the city of my childhood. It was early, and the rest of my house was still asleep. For awhile I lay in the quiet, thinking about the day ahead. A day that would be filled with family and friends, love and promises, and change.

It was my wedding day.

It was a day where I would leave a part of my old life behind, and step into something new. And lying there in the quiet of daybreak, I took stock of how I felt. Anxious around the edges - and that was to be expected - but amazingly calm at the center. Extraordinarily happy, on the brink exquisite change.

I was grateful for those quiet, private moments, because the rest of the day was anything but. It was a whirlwind of hair and makeup, last minute plans and pictures. And then, surrounded by sisters, I donned my dress and descended to the crowds below.

Per Jewish tradition, D and I had said good-bye nearly a week before our wedding day, and we would not see each other again until the ceremony began. As I greeted the people who had come to celebrate with me, I felt my anxiety grow. I have never been good with big crowds, and suddenly I was on the biggest stage of all. As the music began, I thought it a miracle that my heart stayed where it belonged, instead of just leaping out of my chest for how hard it was banging.

And then he was there.

The two hundred people in the room blurred into the edges of my vision, as I finally saw my man. In that moment where our eyes met for the first time in days, it was just us, the same as we ever were. My anxiety melted away, and I felt that amazing calm return.

Two years ago we stood before family and friends and said something to each other that was both simple and profound. I choose you. Forever. Always. And we danced and laughed the night away, in celebration of a unique and lasting love. It was a good night, a happy night. Our night.

So tonight, when we both get home from long days away, we will take a moment to celebrate this night, our night. We will look at each other, and we will give thanks for love found, and for really good years. For the two that are behind us, and for all the ones that lay ahead.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Something


Something scared my mom, and that is why she is alive to tell the tale.

It was an afternoon in the mid-1960s. The sun hung high in the sky, shining its rays over the acres of fields, and the endlessly flat stretches of road that pervade the landscape of rural America. Towns don't come more rural than Jamestown, Pennsylvania, a tiny dot on the map ninety miles north of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where my grandfather's family had owned and operated a dairy farm for generations.

My mom was just a girl, not older than ten, and she was lonely. Her two older sisters were off again on some mysterious teenage pursuit. There weren't any kids to play with. Each and every week my grandma would take my mom to the neighboring towns for synagogue youth group activities, and that was where she met all of her friends. But they didn't live in Jamestown. Hardly any kids did.

Jamestown was not a place for kids. It was a place for the rough and tumble farming life. For faces ruddy from the sun, and palms rough from hours of manual labor. For worries about weather and crops. A place where minutes seemed liked hours for an inquisitive ten year old girl, just desperate for some entertainment.

On those long and lonely afternoons, my mom would sometimes play at the store at the edge of the farm where employees of my grandfather sold milk, ice cream, and assorted other dairy products out of a small window. She would get an ice cream cone, talk to the farm workers, and watch the customers coming and going.

My grandfather used to tell her never to go play by the store, especially by herself. But she never listened. To this day, she wishes that she had.

On that day, my mom ran down for her habitual ice cream cone. As she ate it, she explored the side of the store, where large freezer trucks were parked that would soon drive dairy products from the farm all over the county. These trucks held particular interest for my mom. She was fascinated by the large doors in the back that would swing open large enough for a whole person to walk right through for loading and unloading.

As she waited for the workers to come out of the store bearing pallets of milk to load into the trucks, she noticed that the back door to one of the trucks was hanging slightly open. Thinking that my grandfather would prefer the door to be closed when no one was around, she sneaked around the back of the truck, and hoisted herself up onto the back bumper towards the door.

As she reached out for the handle to shove the door closed, she saw something inside the truck. She didn't know what it was, but something was in there, and it scared the wits out of her. Heart racing, palms sweating, she all but flew off the bumper, and raced back towards the store and the relative safety of the long line of customers. She never touched the handle.

When she turned back towards the truck, she saw one of the farm-hands from the store headed towards the open door. He was a massive, grizzly-bear of a man with no neck, and legs like tree-trunks. When he reached the truck, he lifted up his arm to close the door. Whatever was inside that scared my mom, the man didn't see. The minute his hands touched the metal door handle, his whole body was lifted up, and he was thrown back to the ground, unresponsive.

They said there was a short in the truck. That the man was electrocuted.

He survived, but the current that hurt him surely would have killed a tiny ten year old.

My mom never told my grandfather what happened, but she knows. She knows that whatever scared her inside that truck was warning her away. Telling her it wasn't her time.

She knows.

That thing that scared her saved her life.

And she has never forgotten.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Central Park Views


Sometimes it's hard to see the signs of fall in New York City. In this concrete jungle where I have lived these past seven years, trees are few and far between, and never seem to turn those riotous shades of red and orange that signal the changing of the seasons.

But if you frequent Central Park, as I do, the changing of the seasons is more apparent. Three or four days a week I run in the park. During all four seasons, in all kinds of weather, you can find me circling the loops. Lately, as summer turns to fall, and my time in the city comes to a close, I have been paying far more attention to the changes taking place around me. 

It is a beautiful time of year for Central Park. When I walk down this hill into the park I feel transported to a different place in time. Vibrant leaves, spicy scents, and crisp air abound. 

As I enter my last four weeks as a resident of Manhattan, I find myself drawn to the park even more often than normal. It will be these fall park views that will stick in my mind and stay with me as I make my way towards my new home.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Breathe and Re-Boot

I am overwhelmed.

I feel like I am missing things, dropping the ball, making all sorts of mistakes. I feel like I am constantly rushing, playing catch-up, and trying desperately to get to the bottom of an inbox that never quite empties.

Needless to say, this is not my normal state of being. But for about a month each fall during four of the most critical holidays in the Jewish calendar, my ruthlessly organized life and tendency to plan ahead fall by the wayside, in favor of a more spontaneous, live-in-the-moment kind of existence.

Because during these four successive weeks, life stops for seven days. For seven days, over four weeks, I don't go to work, check e-mail, or answer the phone. I don't check Facebook, Twitter or all the other social networking sites I have decided I can't life without. I don't watch TV. I don't read blogs and I don't write on my own. I don't read the hundreds of articles that pile up daily in my Google Reader. I don't do any of these things. 

During these seven days I put all of these things away in favor of quiet mornings, family meals, copious romance novels and long naps. I rest, I think, I dream a little, and sometimes I plan. 

And while it is calm and peaceful during the days that I am disconnected, the minute each holiday comes to an end, I am smacked in the face with a reminder that, while my life stopped for those days, the rest of the world certainly did not. When the sun goes down at each holiday's end, there are work e-mails to return, voice mails to answer, social networking to return to, blogs to read and to write, and fall TV filling up my DVR. There are suitcases to pack, goodbyes to be said, and early-morning flights to catch. 

Sometimes I relish the return to life. But not this year. This year, in the final hours of each holiday, I find myself with my stomach in knots, anticipating the inevitable avalanche when I turn my devices back on. And I wish for time to slow down. That I could stay on the couch, romance novel in hand, for just one more day. That I could spend just a little more time unplugged. That I could keep my brain quiet for just a little longer.

I need a little more quiet.

Because I have a lot going on these days. A full time job, books to read and blogs to write, an apartment to pack up, a city to say good-bye to, and a new house to move in to. And I am overwhelmed. I have moments where I despair of ever seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And I am not the type to despair of anything. But over the past few weeks, my usual optimism has been escaping me.

So right now, more than ever before, I need these seven days. I am grateful for them, even with the inevitable chaos that follows. These days that require me to press pause. To think about where I have been, and where I am going. To reevaluate what is important and what is not. To stop. These days are a reminder to me that there is something far bigger and more important than myself out there in the vast universe, and it is time to take a look. 

Breathe and reboot. I had forgotten in this past month how badly I need to do this, to relax and recharge. 

But I remember now. 

Breathe and reboot. 

And repeat.