Monday, April 4, 2016

Right Where I Left It

I put the bottle of water on my desk Friday morning, but the day got away from me. Then I was rushing out the door and the bottle was still unopened. I was too lazy and my back hurt too badly to walk back around my desk to get it, so I left it there.

I figured I would drink it on Monday.

It was 4:17 on Tuesday morning and the sky was just beginning to lighten when the nurse handed me my newborn baby boy. He wasn't crying, which surprised me. His huge eyes scanned the room, observing his new surroundings. For a second his eyes locked on mine. "I have a baby now," is what I thought.

The traffic home was hideous, as expected. Ninety minutes in to what should have been a forty minute drive home I needed a snack and a bathroom. I really wished I had taken that bottle of water.

Heat was shimmering from the asphalt street when I walked through the revolving door of the hospital. Sweat seeped down my back as I sat on the bench with the car-seat beside me, waiting for David to bring the car around. I looked at my baby, swimming in the newborn-sized alligator sleeper that I bought at Target two weeks before, and wondered if he was hot. It occurred to me that he probably had to eat soon and that his diaper hadn't been changed in awhile because no one told me to change it. I was failing at motherhood already. I was tired down to my bones. 

It took two hours to finally get home. I used the bathroom and had a snack. I talked to my family on the phone and assured them that no baby had been born yet. I spent the rest of the weekend alternating between laying on my outdoor couch and my indoor one.

"I have to go," my friend said at the end of our phone call. "We're going to the Yankee game." Drowning in diaper changes, bottles, 3am feedings, and puddles of my own tears it seemed impossible that the world was still spinning, that anyone was still doing something as normal as going to a baseball game.  

I was dressed for work when I went to the doctor on Monday morning. I had a list of things to put in order before I went out on maternity leave. We parked in short term parking and I told my office I would be in by ten.

He was five weeks old when he smiled at me for the first time. His whole face opened up and I fell in love. I was a mother. They told me how it would be. They were right. Toys took over my living room. We all got a little more sleep. He grew and changed. So did I.

The doctor said something about low fluid and insufficient growth. The details didn't really matter. I was having a baby. Today. They sent me up to labor and delivery. David went home for my hospital bag. They hooked me up to an IV and I called my office. "I guess I'll see you in November," I said to them. "Sorry about that list." They laughed. I didn't.

I rocked my baby all the way to sleep before I went to find something to wear. The clothes hanging in my closet were foreign to me. I tried some of them on but nothing looked the way it used to. I felt tired, soft, unprepared. I picked the dress that looked the least bad and figured it was the best I could do. I watched him sleep in his crib and wondered if he would be ok without me. If I would be ok without him.

I stepped off the elevator and buzzed myself onto my floor. My key-card still worked. I was surprised. I walked down the hall to my office, trying to summon the lawyer that had lain dormant for four months while the mother became. I opened the door. There was the bottle of water, sitting on my desk.

Right where I left it.

16 comments:

  1. Love this line Sam: " trying to summon the lawyer that had lain dormant for four months while the mother became." I don't think I ever found that lawyer again, truthfully :)

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  2. Such a great recounting. As someone who is a bit of a workaholic, I can relate to that half of the story. Never having children of my own means I won't know the other half, but you told that part beautifully as well. Congratulations on becoming a mother. :)

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  3. So good! I love the alternating times. I remember being shocked my key card still worked. I'm so happy you're a mom-lawyer. I need you.

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    1. I don't know why I was so surprised, but I couldn't believe that I was walking in the doors again, just like nothing happened. I felt like I was living in an entirely separate reality

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  4. My own son's delivery happened in a similar fashion, with a routine visit to the doctor that was supposed to be "very short". Nice juxtaposition between the two time periods!

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    1. Thanks! I should have been prepared. I was 38 weeks and they had told me the week before that this was a possibility, but I just refused to believe it.

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  5. Beautiful, Sam! So nice to have you back this week!

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  6. I liked your alternating times and how you came back around to the bottle on your desk. I remember a feeling of amazement at how quickly I got back into a routine at work after my leave, but how different my life was too.

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  7. This is a beautifully written piece. Is it strange that I was totally rooting for that bottle of water? You've made some beautiful comparisons about how motherhood changes you but the world keeps on spinning. I really, really enjoyed this read. Great job.

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  8. Oh my, the shift in time here is really done effectively. It conveys the sensation of parenthood as a constant shift, trying to find one's bearings in the midst of it all.
    Also, it's gorgeous.

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    1. Thank you so much. Those first few months were like nothing else.

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  9. I love the way you told this story. Beautiful.

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  10. I love how you played with structure in conveying the passage of time, and the honest, straightforward voice.

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  11. I thought it was interesting how you mingled the past and the now. Loved the water wrap up too. Perfect.

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