For three weeks, we've been a family of three. In a way it seems like forever, and also two minutes that this tiny creature has been in our lives. The past three weeks have been a blur of feedings, diaper changes, snatches of sleep, tears (mine more than the baby's), and complex emotions.
The day I got home from the hospital I was a soggy mess of hormones, anxiety, and utter terror that I had no idea how to be a parent to this brand new baby. I walked into my house to a kitchen table covered in baby clothes, cases of diapers and wipes in the middle of my living room, and a baby bath tub on the counter next to the kitchen sink. As my wild and exhausted eyes took in the chaos that had replaced my formerly organized house, it occurred to me that barely anyone talks about this part of becoming a mother.
They talk about the euphoria and the happiness and the oh my god you've never felt a love like this. And maybe some new mothers feel like that. But not everyone. So it hit me hard that first day home from the hospital that no one talks about the other side of becoming a mother. The fear and the confusion, the tears for every reason and no reason at all, the feeling that a torpedo just exploded in the center of your life, and the guilt that you are not positively over the moon about this baby that you wished for for such a long time and that sometimes, in your lowest moments, you wish just a tiny bit that you could reverse course and go back to the way things were. No one talks about these things. We should.
Honestly, I'm still sort of sorting through it all.
They talk about the euphoria and the happiness and the oh my god you've never felt a love like this. And maybe some new mothers feel like that. But not everyone. So it hit me hard that first day home from the hospital that no one talks about the other side of becoming a mother. The fear and the confusion, the tears for every reason and no reason at all, the feeling that a torpedo just exploded in the center of your life, and the guilt that you are not positively over the moon about this baby that you wished for for such a long time and that sometimes, in your lowest moments, you wish just a tiny bit that you could reverse course and go back to the way things were. No one talks about these things. We should.
Honestly, I'm still sort of sorting through it all.
Thankfully, for me, all of this complexity has been interspersed with moments where I am in awe of what we have created, and grateful that this baby is here and that he is mine. And as we settle in and form some semblance of a routine and figure out how to be parents, every day I feel a little more like myself. A little happier. A little more normal even if that normal isn't the same as it used to be.
Since this blog is a time capsule of sorts, I feel strongly about documenting both sides of the story, especially now, so stay tuned.
In the meantime, here is a little snapshot of our first three weeks as parents, a terribly cute baby, and our brand new life that we are slowly learning to navigate.
I agree, such a beautiful baby. You can see a peek into his personality looking into those eyes. Hold on mom, the ride has only just begun. Great to have such a blessing in your family's lives. Great.
ReplyDeleteWhoa, I am so behind! I did not even realize you were expecting! Mazel Tov!!
ReplyDeleteI can't say "I know how you feel" because I'm not a parent, but I definitely can understand how you would feel completely overwhelmed. I hope you start to have more and more positive experiences and have support for all that you're feeling.
Ohhh I love your first month's album. He's gorgeous!! So sweet. And yeah, motherhood isn't all sparkles and rainbows. There's a whole lot of overwhelming emotions, and for some worse than others. You're so in the beginning of this new crazy adventure. Take a deep breath, be kind to yourself, accept help and you'll get there. Baby steps. xo
ReplyDeleteHe's beautiful!
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I think everyone talks about it...but no one listens! And then we all forget about the terror, hormones, emotions, tears, walking up every few minutes to check if he's breathing, etc a few months later. I promise that it gets much much easier, but in the spirit of transparency and being prepared, know that it also gets a bit harder before it gets better. Week six (ish) was really really tough - and I'm told that's pretty common. Know that when it feels like you're not going to come through it, you'll turn a corner and it'll start getting awesome.
In the meantime, enjoy the little miracle that you created and marvel at the fact that he's yours.
Congrats! And so much YES to all of this. This part in particular got to me: "sometimes, in your lowest moments, you wish just a tiny bit that you could reverse course and go back to the way things were. No one talks about these things. We should." Yes, yes, yes. So glad you are talking - and writing! - about it.
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