Lesson learned.
The memoir seemed like a really good idea when I ordered it on Amazon a couple weeks ago. Although I don't often read non-fiction, this was the memoir of a blogger whose words I read from time to time, and I know from her blog that she has a really compelling story. I know that her story is heartbreaking. Immensely so. But while it is sad, I have read her blog, so I also know that she came out on the other side of it a thoughtful, compassionate woman and a truly gifted writer.
I was really, really interested in reading her book, so I decided to break my longstanding rule to never read anything that isn't happy and uplifting.
It came in the mail last Thursday, and I was already in the middle of some other books that I carried over into the weekend, so I didn't get a chance to start it. By last night, I had finished the other books, and this morning I scanned my "to-read" bookshelf, searching for the stories I would read this week. My eyes landed on the memoir, and on a book of Nora Roberts short stories, sitting right next to each other. Unable to make up my mind, I grabbed both and headed out the door.
As soon as I got to the train platform I opened my bag and grabbed the memoir even thought somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain a voice was shouting, "ROMANCE NOVEL."
As I knew it would be, the memoir was written in gorgeous prose, despite the less than uplifting subject matter. Her words and her story transfixed me, and before I knew it I was turning pages like a woman possessed, eager to get to the next chapter, the next scene, her next journey.
When the conductor pulled on the brakes as we arrived at Grand Central, I was startled out of my trance, surprised that we were already in the city. I had read nearly sixty pages without ever looking up.
I waited in my seat until the train was mostly empty, then gathered my things and slowly made my way off the platform, dogged by a vague melancholy that is extremely unlike me and trying to ignore the now-bitchy voice in my head saying "I told you so."
Monday mornings - really any morning - and heavy, mostly sad memoirs are like Diet Coke and Mentos in my world. Put them together and you are bound to end up with a hostile and unsettling reaction. Only instead of lasting only a second or two, I feel it all day long.
I knew better. I have no one to blame but myself.
If I'm going to read a book that is certain to be sad - and I rarely ever do - I need to read it sitting outside in the sunshine. I need to read it slowly, in small doses. I certainly need to look up from time to time to pull myself out of the sad. Devouring almost half the book on Monday morning while sitting on a train hurtling through dark tunnels on the way to work is a bad idea. Even a book as beautifully written as this one.
I'll finish the memoir at some point, but I learned my lesson this morning. No more heavy reading on the train.
This afternoon, it's the romance for me.
ooh some afternoon romance - i love it! :)
ReplyDeleteand i also have a problem lately with reading downers, even well written ones - it's just such a downer. that's why when i think about writing about my father, (besides short yw essays) i stop myself, i don't enjoy living it, why would someone want to read it?? love and romance is so much better.
Love and romance is so much more fun. As you know, I'm a sucker not just for a happy ending, but for a big, fat happy story.
DeleteI need to follow your advice - short bursts of memoir reading with lots of pauses to look up and center myself in my own life. I get lost in dark feelings too easily to devour books like that, but I do and I pay the price. I'll choose some humor and sunshine today too!
ReplyDeleteI ended up really liking the memoir quite a lot, but I think I would have felt much better about it if I would have read it slowly over a week or so instead of trying to read the entire thing in one day. Needless to say, it was romance, rainbows and sunshine for me on the train this morning.
DeleteI get this totally. I am dying to know the memoir but I am not asking. (Yes I am.) Because invariably I will order it, and make the exact same mistakes you mention above. Keeping it light today. I am reading the bio of Dolly Parton. Suck it, sadness.
ReplyDeleteThe memoir is The Rules of Inheritance, by Claire Bidwell Smith. You should definitely order it, it's absolutely worth the read. It's a sad, but ultimately beautiful story.
DeleteI have heard of it. It's on my very long list of things to read.
DeleteYes, so I'm going to need to know what book it was and if you enjoyed it in spite of the major bumming out. Because, you know, sad memoir.
ReplyDeleteRelative to your post though, I do know what you mean about how a book like that can eat at you. Sometimes I read stuff like that to help unstick my own emotions or get me through something I'm trying to write that won't come out. I need to read depressing things sometimes, it's weird. I have read stuff that pulls me down too far though (kids dying, young moms dying) and that I always regret.
I really did enjoy it in spite of its sadness. She is a stunning writer, and tells her story in such an honest way that it is ultimately uplifting. The few pages of the book are so gorgeous that I want to read them over and over again. The fact that I felt how I did was no fault of her own, but mine for where and how I read it.
DeleteSomething to put on my to-read list...but I'm with you, sometimes you just need lighthearted fun at certain times. For instance, I brought The Year of Magical Thinking on my weekend away, and should've probably brought something lighter for a trip with my husband, lol.
ReplyDeleteI completely get this. I always take on the mood of whatever I'm reading (well, if what I'm reading draws me in). I was reading this really angsty romance and I found myself going to bed with a pang in my heart, until I realized it was totally from the book, not anything in my life at that moment! Craziness :)
ReplyDeleteI once read a sad memoir on the way to a wedding. I couldnt get it out of my head and the groom thought I was crying because I secretly loved him and didn't want him to marry his troll bride.
ReplyDeleteNow I only read romance on the way to weddings.